This Blog has changed alot lately...

Lately I have realized that this blog has changed into my 'problems' blog so i have three other blogs right now!

click me - this blog is just random things i will blab about, and me just sharing random things that happened in school (kind of like what this blog used to be!)

click me - this is a blog where i obsess over all of my obsessions!! <3<3<3

click me - my blog that is helping my blooming photagraphy. It will mostly have pictures and descriptions of the pictures!!

School is just so annoying!

I know that my school is really good and i will be able to get in 'all the best colleges' but my school just has alot of work and C- are like a passing grade, and it is really hard to get A's especially in my worst subjects. But my parents won't let me switch schools. I really want to go to a school that is normal because right now I'm learning or reading stuff people do in college. It also really upsets me because my parents expect me to do good in this school. But i just hate it here... I mean i like most of the teachers and it is a small school so there is an awesome close community but the pressure is just too much... UGHH I just really want to go to a regular school...

I found something that might make you understand me a bit better

This is exactly what I tried to do with THAT girl. I tried to tell her to be a better person, i tried to give her chances , to trust her. But then she lied and ruined the chances. And i got mad/sad (depending on the situation) at her for not believing me that she can't just treat people this way, but then i realized 'why should i do this??' because she had treated my like a piece of crap..

Life Isn't as simple as It Seems...

No matter how well you no somebody you never know the full extent of how bad their life is... I have opened up more on this blog then I have told some of my best friends. Nobody (except a select few) out of my friends really know about my healthy "spree's".

Also I want to talk about my New blog title 'Fake Happiness Doesn't Cure Everything' recently i suddenly just felt sad. One of my friends told me to 'just be happy' and not to be 'down in the dumps' I understand she was trying to help. But I realized that if i did just act 'happy' then it would be fake happiness and I would just be hiding my REAL emotions. Also i want to make a point clear, i admit i am emotional (which many people say 'emo' for short) but I am not just labelling myself with 'that' labal its just that its true that I am emotional, but i am happy alot too. so unless when you say 'ur emo' by meaning ur emotional and it is not an insult then you just dont call me emo at all.

Next Topic:
I have also been having trouble lately with how I feel. My friendships and other junk like that have been balancing very dangerously. I am border-line sad all the time. Which really bugs me, because i know that if one more sad/upsetting thing happens at school then i will start crying (i dont like it when my whole school -which is a small community- sees me crying) so i really wish something would happen at home or i could just force myself to cry so that all the tiny things dont just come out all at once... That might seem 'emo' to you in the bad defintion of emo , but i literally believe that atleast one other person feels this way.

Encouraging quote for the week:
'no matter how bad your life is there is always a poor sap worse off then you.'
-anoymonous

Confidence Goes Up and Down..

It is really hard to believe you are actually beautiful in this society. I have had problems myself so I know how hard it can be. I used to go on little "healthy spree's" because I wanted to be skinnier and i thought that if i lost just 'a bit of weight' that i would have more self confidence and that I would look good. I would hide out in my room and stretch and do sit-ups and then i would eat like salads and fruits almost all day. also i always try to wear baggy clothes because i think I am really fat :( but whenever i say that to people they just say the usual 'you are not fat! u are soo pretty!!!' which isnt true I actually have a slight 'potbelly' which i really hate. Also, did you notice how my mouth is shut in all the pictures i posted before?? that is because my teeth are really ugly and all spacy... I think i go in and out of little symptoms of maybe becoming someone with an eating disorder. because i also used to smile real big whenever i weighed myself and i was even a pound lighter.

I think i'm better now, but now i try to wear stuff tht 'makes me look skinnier' or i wear tight shirts under baggy or regular shirts so i dont look fat. I really want to stop this.. i mean im kind of mentally strong.. but i just need support! do you guys have any advice or experience stories tht might help me?

pic. of me

I'M NOT EMO!!

Just because I paint my nails black,
Even though there are black clothes on my back,
Even though I have moments and cry,
Even though I'm sometimes shy,

I'm the person who always smiles,
I throw away make-up and nail files,
I always talk to my friends,
conversations seem to never end,

so even though my favorite color is dark,
even though I like playing with things sharp,
it doesn't mean you have to label me,
with all those loser popularities!!!!


That is pretty much, me.... HaHee hope I didn't make ya bored!

because if anyone gets bored on this site then get a life and leave!!

This Is A poem I wrote a While Ago

Heart beats fast,

doesnt want to be picked last,

Popularity seeping through,

groups of people stuck together like glue,

Leaving no room for me,

It's like I'm impossible to see,

glee runs through my system as I see her,

she's like me new.I needed to get to know her for sure.

I called her over to me,

and i saw her coming in relief and glee,

realizing she wasnt the only one new,

as soon as i saw her i just knew,

that we would stick together just like glue.

UGHH~~~!!

school is just going wonderful right now xD (not) I can't wait until the weekend already, and it is only tuesday! My sister got back from Guatemala yesterday at 1:00Am though, so it has been pretty exciting. She got me a couple of presents while she was there. She got me this mini kangaroo backpack, an awesome bracelet, a tank top (it is actually quite tight... but i dont want to mention that...) and my favorite gift over all, A really cool flowy purple scarf thingy!! I love it sooo much!!!!

Also I have been going through alot of things -cough-girlthings-cough- lately and I'm getting really confused... So if any of you are girls who could possibly give me advice please email me
theneverlandescapee@gmail.com

also tomorrow I have to do partner dancing in gym (luckily we can pick our partners and of course I'm gonna be partners with a girl!!) dont call me immature but i just think it would be embarrassing to dance with a guy in my class because alot of other people think i would like him , and also I don't really know any of the guys that well. I'm really dreading the dancing though because I'm horrible at the different steps but luckily I'm partenering up with a girl who is my friend so hopefully she will understand!!!

Also this guy in my class has been acting weird around me lately and I dont know, just really nice, Maybe hes just a nice person but I'm not sure.

- bye!!

p.s please don't judge me about my 'girliness' in this post because I mean its not my fault im a girl in middle school and even though I'm not actually super girly I'm still gonna talk about stuff girls talk about. So if any of you guys comment on this saying that you are un-comfortable with what i said in this post I will promise to make a warning in the title of the post if it is about 'girly stuff' but if nobody says it offends them then i will just keep posting random stuff like this xD Bye everyone, and have a good night/day/afternoon!!!!

This girl, get a better insult

this girl keeps saying insults related how 'not' pretty I am, I mean she should watch herself because I know that if i said something about how she looked she would atleast get a bit sad. It really bugs me because she says all these things on the internet but I doubt she can say any of this to my face like at school or in public.

I was Tagged!!!

1.I like jumping/falling on my bed or couches.
2. I give my self different names when I get bored of my real name
3. I give people nicknames if I want to make fun of them just to make sure they dont find out
4. I used to love butterflies but now I am scared of them
5. I have a phobia of becoming a red head
6. if i am in a very crowded place with lots of people I don't know then I get slightly claustrophobic
7. sometimes I am scared of the dark
8. sometimes I just want to be in the pitch black though
9. I can't swim
10. sometimes I actually talk to myself
11. I make up different ways to count
12. I make up worse case scenarios that get very ridiculous and would never happen
13. I am very weird and occasionally have laugh attacks where i actually roll on the floor laughing
14. when people whisper "cheerios in my ear it makes me laugh
15. i love little kid shows
16.I'm a really picky eater


16 Isn't actually my age , but my age is something for me to know and for you guys never to find out (sorry need to be careful for stalkers...)

Another Life...

i need to take a break from my life, I wish i was someone who had a good life right now.....

Bored, Stress, Non-freedom, My Week......

this is my week so far. Bored, Stressful, and no freedom. UGHHHH !!!!!! I can't wait until summer vacation....

My passion For Anime...

I love drawing anime , and I hope that some day I will become as great as the artists of these drawings.

School stress, How Do I Get Rid of It?

I have been having a lot of pressure at school. Especially in Science because I'm getting a D- or F- and my mom expects me to get an A or B+. I do all the things they tell you to do. I scream into pillows. Punch/beat up pillows. I try to get rid of all the stress outside of school, but I still have this pang of stress. I just can't get rid of it. It has gotten even worse lately because I'm trying to be nicer to my siblings so I can't just punch my little brother all the time now. Also I used to excercise/stretch/dance in my room when I listened to music almost every day, but now my sister (who I share rooms with) is always in there so I cant excercise/stretch/dances with her there because then she would call me an idiot. I really think I just need as relaxing day away from school, but my parents will never let me stay home from school unless I am sick.

I looked up my Name On Urban dictionary...

My name on Urban Dictionary means:

A crazy girl who always smiles , who is usually associated with beauty.



What is the definition of your name? Look it up at this website

Also I would really appreciate it if you guys looked at my earlier posts because I just realized I was posting them too fast for any of you guys to check them out before I put another one up.

Poetry

I was looking up how to write good poetry on Google, and I came across this wonderful quote

"Good poetry requires a balancing of talent, study and skill to craft a poem. Emotions alone are never enough."

I have thought about my own tips too.

1.try to make the lines have the same amount of syllables.
2. deeply describe everything.
3. try to use metephors.
4. pick a topic for your poem that you know well.
5. If you cant think of any good rhyming words then go to this website

I hope I helped with all you people who are trying to become good poets!

Every hope and dream is shattered,
All my happy thoughts are scattered,
Darkness seeps through the holes in my soul,
The happy thoughts have lost control,
A black butterfly rest on my hand,
The gloom does not withstand,
The good overcomes the bad,
The world surronding no longer sad,
The butterfly sheds its dark skin,
It restores its true colors within.

An Aggravating girl..

There is this very aggravating girl Who always logs off whenever she gets uncomfortable when I'm talking to her online. I mean I understand that if she gets annoyed she does have the right to just log off, but when I'm critisizing her, they are things she needs to know. Like I told her that she doesn't even know the definition of mean. She avoided a kid and, talked behind the persons back to not be friends with the kid anymore. When I decided that she was being a bad person I broke off our friendship. But when I did it I apologized and worried if I hurt her feelings. But she still says I was very mean at doing so. I have been trying to tell her important stuff, like how she cant just swear at someone for no reason. She is going to lose more friends if she continues acting this way. I know by this point her descisions are not my choice or my problem to fix, its just that she is such a spoiled horrible person. I know if she would just listen to my reasoning and try to be a bit nicer, that she would be such a wonderful person.

Dark Poem

This is kind of a dark poem , but it just randomally came to me. Im not actually really sad I just am better at writing dark poetry...


soul is black
skies are gray
still gotta put on my pack
i still gotta stay
even though i wish i could just go
somethings binding me here
i wish my life was just a t.v show
or something unreal outside of me in the mirror
what they said
what i hear

My Sister Spends alot of Her Time on the Computer...

I just wanted to let you guys know that my sister likes spending a lot of her time on the computer, so although I have been posting a lot of things every day recently. I know I won't be able to get on as more frequently now because she is probably going to take the computer from me at least 1 hour each day sometimes even longer. I will try to post whenever I am on The computer though.

Empty Box , And My Quest to Fill It

Whenever I think about drawing and creativity, I always think of an empty box or an empty room or sometimes A blank piece of paper. I always feel like I have to draw more. To fill in that empty space. I usually use about 2 notebooks per 3 months unless if i am overly busy with school work. This deeply frustrates my mother when she complains on how many notebooks she has bought me over the past years.The thing about notebooks too , is that you draw in them or write in them and fill them up, and even if you look over them every once and a while you never really use them again. It is like there is an empty void in my mind. Like I will spend all my life dumping dirt into one hole in my creativity to fill it but the whole is never co0mpletely full.

Vegetarian , What if I don't believe In Myself Enough..

I have realized that every time I try to become vegetarian the only reason I don't last is because I'm so commited to it. I know it is immoral to eat meat. Even though the animal is already dead the industry kills more animals for each product bought. My brother once told me "if you won't eat a dead person then it is not morally right to eat dead animals." at first I thought this was ridiculous and I said it is bad to eat people, but then I realized what he said is true. I am thinking about trying to be vegetarian but I know if I announce it I will feel too commited and I will just start eating meat again. So until I have stopped eating meat subconsiously for about 30 days , I'm not going to formally announce that I'm vegetarian. This may not make sense to you. But sometimes what I think in my mind only really makes sense to me.

If I was the ruler of one small country ......

I'm not sure if I would be good at being a ruler of a small unknown country. I don't know why but I feel like somewhere in my head there is this one country that all my actions effect.Sometimes it's like I'm trying to not let down the people of my kingdom. I feel pressure to be nice and to do good in school. Like I'm trying to protect myself from me. Mabye these feelings of pressure are just my peers comments stored in my head in the shape of my own country persuading me to be perfect. To rule the country well. Even though I'm only a tiny person in this huge world I feel the pressure of the whole world on me. As if god is leaning over my shoulder expecting me to do something spactacular. But Yet I still don't believe in myself. I dont belive that I will actually stay vegetarian. One thought in my head of me joining sports and I covince myself I would be horrible at it and let everyone down. Mabye I should visit a pyschaitrist.

I always strive to be more Individual, But What If I have already reached my Goal?

I just realized that I am always trying to be more independant from others. I always fear becoming like someone else or absent mindly copying someone else. But what if I already am me (and I have discovered my true self) its just that I fear being a clone of someone else so much that I still strive to be different.What if I never feel comfortable with who I am and I become just like someone else striving to become different. It is like I'm torturing myself in my mind. I don't know why I would share this with [mostly stranger] people on the internet but it was on my mind, and this is like my online journal.

You know how when you go to bed right before you fall asleep, when it is just you and your thoughts? Sometimes I just worry about this.

Picking Good Names is Only One Part Of it.....

I have realized lately that picking names for stories is not the only thing you have to carefully decide. You also have to pick the right personality for the person. So I have recently valued what peoples names make me think their personality is in my head. I have always imagined Ingrid as a name for a random hyper girl , but that is just because the only Ingrid I have ever met acts like that. I am planning of looking up what the names mean and trying to see if it implies a certain way the person acts. Right now I don't have very many good character names so I also might go to one of those websites that help you pick out baby names to get some good character names.

A note from Lilliane

I'm not sure about America. The Television is an amazing form of entertainment but it is ridiculous what they show on television. Today I learned a new word from my foster parents which is suprising because I already thought I learned all the words in Spain (although I still have trouble pronouncing) The word was bean bag chair. At first I was quite confused when they said they had put one in my room, but seeing the confusion on my face they explained the definition to me.

Mid-life crisis or True Discovery.....?

My mother thinks our family is immoral because of the movies we watch and the things we say. She wants us to be healthier and more christian. She wants us to be in a close christian community. Me and my siblings assume she is just having a Mid-Life crisis, because she has done stuff like this except less severe. Like one month she went ranting that we needed to be healthier, and that we all had to eat at least one handful of nuts each day. Eventually the 'healthy stage' worse off and we went back to normal. Although I do think our family could act a little more christian, it's not like we act completely non-christian its just that unlike a lot of protected christian families we know swear words *although we are not aloud to speak them* and we watch 'quote' bad movies. I'm just wondering if my mom is just having a mid-life crisis about not raising us in a very protected christian community , or if she has actually discovered a major fault in our family.

Either way at least in the next couple of weeks I know all we will have is natural peanut butter, and she might even bring the 'handful of nuts each day' thing back.

I have Been Thinking

I have been thinking about how weird middle school is. By the middle of the second trimester everyone has secure friends (at least most of the time) and everyone has their own theories of survival. Everyone knows which teachers don't yell at them when they don't have homework. Everyone knows what cafeteria food is safe to eat. But If you take someone in middle school on their first day, they are uptight, and confused and have no idea what class they are going too. The weird thing is the people who stand out the most on the first day always seem to simmer down by the middle of the year. Sorry that this post is a bit weird it was just on my mind so I thought I would share the workings of my mind with all of you guys.

If I could name myself as any character I would be....

I would have to be the eccentric girl from the book Stargirl . She was different and weird but when someone got to know her she was the nicest person on the world. She went around neighborhoods and dropped pennies and quarters around for other people to find in suprise . I'm not saying I'm as perfect and nice as her, but I do think people just think I'm weird until they get to know me, and then see that I'm a sweet person.

poem

The fire is warming my soul,
I'm finally in control,
my burdens gone,
I played my last pawn,
I don't need to worry anymore,
I can just adore,
the freedom I feel,
it feels so surreal,
like a cloak of the finest silk wrapped around my heart,
it like i have a chance to just restart.

A note from lilliane

Although I know little English I will try to communicate with you guys often. The people in America disgust me but I will stay here for my mother and father.

Mother and father such strange words for me to be saying after so long *sigh*

The plan to become a better writer

A girl I know who is in college is a very good writer (or so i think) and she often takes the character of her fictional characters in stories and tries to say or act like they would. I think this helped her progress a lot in writing, so I'm going to try to take on the role of another character/person.

Her name is Lilliane (A.K.A Lily) she was tortured when she was little by mean children in a gloomy orphanage in france. She learned french when she was little but moved to Spain on her 7th birthday. She is socially challenged and quite shy around other children. She never quite fits into the groups at the orphanage in Spain. When she was 14 the orphanage had lost hope for getting her foster parents because most of the fostered children were younger. She had almost lost hope altogether by her 15th birthday but the day after she turned 15 a nice american couple adopted her a took her back to America with them.

That is Lillianes back story right now so I will let you guys know if I posted in her character.